Boy, Was My Face Red

Yesterday, as I was driving, I thought of so many things to write about. Today, as I sit here, there is nothing in my head but images of dead mice and x-rated thoughts. I guess years of being a total chronic really has affected my memory. So instead of whatever genius rant I had planned, you get nothing but boring stories from the past. So without further ado, I give you:

My Most Embarrassing Moments

The first (and only) time I was brought home by the police. My brother (13), my cousin Sarah (13), and I (14) decided it would be a good idea to sneak out in the middle of the night (sort of a recurring theme with us). We met up with some other town delinquents on "Main Street" and spent the wee hours getting into various troubles and eventually we were all separated. My brother had the misfortune of being busted. Sarah saw this go down and took off for home, getting there about the same time as the police were waking my mother up. She managed to sneak in the basement door, and was "sleeping" on the couch when my mom came down to check on us. It was then discovered that I was missing. She went up and told the officers that there was another Park on the loose, and an APB (seriously) was issued for me, along with the description of the vehicle I was probably in, weaseled from either Sarah or Rory, I have never found out which. So said vehicle (a blue station wagon) was located with me inside. I was taken home in the back of the cruiser, lectured the entire way, and returned safely to my mom, in front of the neighbours and worse yet, my Gramma. There was drama, groundings all round, and we were woken up two hours later at seven to begin scrubbing the house. I have to note here, this was before we moved to The City and took place in a horrid little town where there was a constabulary of five or six members, and everyone knew everyone.

It was the scandal of the crescent until we moved away, a month later.

Later that same summer, I was babysitting, with my cousin Sarah, and we invited some boys in. I have since learned that this is not an appropriate venue for that kind of behavior, but being young, boy crazy, and new in town, we figured it was a good way to make friends. It was after midnight, and had I been thinking, I would have known that the parents were due back at any time. However, I was not thinking and was "making out" with a guy I had just met, in a dark bedroom, when there was a commotion upstairs. All of a sudden the door shot open and in walked The Mother. Who, incidentally, happened to be a close friend of My Mother. There was a great amount of drama, we were driven home, and My Mother, who was out of town, was called. She was told, unbeknown to me, that I was having sex with strangers while other strangers were robbing the house. This is UNTRUE. I was not having sex, and nothing was ever discovered to be missing. Fifteen years later, my mom believes that woman's story over mine.

Fast forward many minor embarrassments to the summer of 1997. I was at my boyfriend's house in the middle of the day when his parents were supposed to be at work. This time I was having sex, or had been, and was getting out of the shower when his mom came home. She called out a hello to (name withheld), who was in the shower and did not hear her. I had enough time before she got to the bottom of the stairs to get to (name withheld)'s room, naked. And my clothes were on the floor beside the couch, which she couldn't see from that angle. She did see my shoes by the door when she came in. (Name withheld) was getting out of the shower and his mom asked if I was there. For some reason, he said no. She asked why my shoes were upstairs and he lamely said I left without them. She obviously didn't believe him, and at that moment, the phone rang. The only phone in the basement was in (name withheld)'s bedroom, where I was standing naked. His mother came in to answer it and I had enough sense to hop behind the door. She sat on the bed and chatted with friend, while I stood shivering behind the door, for a good five minutes. At last she hung up and made to leave the room. To my horror, as she went passed the door, she tried to push it open. Into me. The door didn't move and she pulled it out to see what was obstructing it. I stood there like an idiot, naked and wet, for a minute and then said, "Hi Mrs (Name withheld)." There was a considerable amount of drama, a lecture on safe sex and, to my great embarrassment, I was invited to stay for dinner. I don't think she told Mr (name withheld), as I think I would not have stayed for supper if he had known.

There are many more tales in this large and untapped pool, and since this is long enough, you can wait until next time to hear some more. Until then, try not to picture me naked.

Good Morning

I can guarantee you this: There is nothing more delightful than waking up to a dead mouse in your pantry. It really starts the day off right.

Not Only Am I An Idiot, I'm Also A Liar

I've always told my Learners to come to me with things they don't understand and I will try to help them, as long as it's not math.

Yesterday one of them came to me, showed me this:

Field of View = low power FOV x magnification of low object lens
magnification of med. or high object lens

and said, "What does this mean?"

I'll tell you what it means. It means I can't do grade 8 science. I remember grade eight, and I remember not doing this in it. I also remember Bio 30 and I remember not doing this. I told her I would look it up and send her an email with the answer by eight at the latest.

After about an hour of google-ing, I found the answer and emailed it to her. And it was promptly sent back to me. So I tried it again, with a different letter, and it was returned. In this address there are two mystery letters that could either be "R" or "V"; and "U" or "W". I tried to send it with all the combinations and it refused to be delivered. Needless to say, I did not send the answer by eight o'clock. So now, she not only thinks I'm an idiot, but a liar as well.

Whass Up Anywaysss?

This is a yield sign. It means slow down and if someone is coming, stop.

Unless you're a drunk Indian with a shitty beat up car in Rocky, with a big greasy NDN decal in the back window. Then it means pin it when you see someone coming and then slam on your brakes and slide through the intersection, missing the oncoming vehical by a couple of inches.

But there's no time to spare when it's opening time at the liquor store.

Stupid Little Girls

I am so sick and tired of being treated like an idiot because I'm a girl.

Things like old men trying to explain to me how a heater works, because it took them awhile to figure it out, obviously a girl would never understand.

So... you turn the dial to "ON" and set the fan speed to 1, 2, or 3? I don't get it, can you repeat it slower?

Oh, so you hit the hammer with the nail? Oh, oh, other way around. Stupid, silly, pretty me.

I just want to SCREAM. I know it, I'm smarter than you. I rebuilt my house almost entirely on my own. I can figure out the fucking fan.

No I'm not going to be stuck in three inches of snow; I know how to put my car in 4x4.
No my keys aren't too heavy for my ignition; they are not going to make my steering wheel fall off.

Guess what: I can (and have) changed a tire before. Once in high heels. I can use a nail gun, I can use a power saw, and I can use a drill, a hammer, a screw driver, a fucking flashlight.

I can sand, I can paint, I can empty a mouse trap, I can fish a dead bat out of the toilet. I can start a fire, I can drive a manual transmission, and if I don't know how to do something I can figure it out, ON MY OWN.

Just because I'm a girl, doesn't mean I can't do it. In fact it means I can do it, better than you, faster than you, and right the first time.

SO STOP TELLING ME HOW TO TURN OFF THE LIGHT!!!!!!!

ANGST

Why is that you can wish and wish for something and you never get it even though it knows you want it and it teases you with it, and then years later when everything is going perfect without it, the thing that you always wished for comes back into your life and wants to give you what you always wanted and now there is no way you could ever have it but you want it sooooooooo bad and it really has what you wanted and it tells you that it has it and you CANNOT HAVE IT, but it is so good and you've wanted it for so long? WHY? WWWWWHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYY?