So I lit the BBQ on fire last night. Does this really give you the right to yell at me for HOURS and HOURS? No, it doesn't and I'll tell you why:
1) You know that girls can't operate a BBQ. This is why men are always in charge of the grilling.
2) I was not the last one to use the BBQ and fill it full of disgusting fat and grease, therefore it is not my fault that it started on fire.
3) YES, for the hundredth time, IT WAS ON LOW!!! Do not ask me again.
At the most I believe that one hour of yelling would have been sufficiant, even though, as I have stated, it was not my fault. And guess what? I am not cleaning it out today. Or tomorrow. Or ever. HA HA.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
NEVER. EVER. PERIOD.
The other night I was asked if I ever thought about having children. By the man who said he wouldn't marry me. I was astonished to say the least. Five years ago we had this discussion. No, I never want to have children. NEVER. EVER.
Now all of a sudden, "Have you ever thought about having children?"
Yes, in Wal Mart surrounded by screaming kids and white trash single mothers I have thanked the lucky stars that I have no desire for that kind of life. Or in the grocery store when some kid is having a meltdown over a bag of cookies. I smile and turn up the music to drown out the screams and say, "Thank God that's not me."
And really, why would I want to grow a parasitic being inside me for nine months, go through excruciating agony to get it out, and have it slowly suck the life out of me for the next twenty years, and then be so grateful for the life I provided it with that it sells my house and puts me in the cheapest nursing home it can find, and blows my life savings cheating on it's spouse?
I'm going to have to say no thank you.
(When the man who won’t marry me was asked the same question in return, he simply replied yes. Yes he wants to have babies, but no he won’t marry me. Really? You might get the milk for free, but if you want calves, you’re going to have to buy the fucking cow, and even then it probably won’t reproduce.
Now all of a sudden, "Have you ever thought about having children?"
Yes, in Wal Mart surrounded by screaming kids and white trash single mothers I have thanked the lucky stars that I have no desire for that kind of life. Or in the grocery store when some kid is having a meltdown over a bag of cookies. I smile and turn up the music to drown out the screams and say, "Thank God that's not me."
And really, why would I want to grow a parasitic being inside me for nine months, go through excruciating agony to get it out, and have it slowly suck the life out of me for the next twenty years, and then be so grateful for the life I provided it with that it sells my house and puts me in the cheapest nursing home it can find, and blows my life savings cheating on it's spouse?
I'm going to have to say no thank you.
(When the man who won’t marry me was asked the same question in return, he simply replied yes. Yes he wants to have babies, but no he won’t marry me. Really? You might get the milk for free, but if you want calves, you’re going to have to buy the fucking cow, and even then it probably won’t reproduce.
Monday, March 10, 2008
Easy Does It
What is it that makes a fat old man think that he has a chance with someone of my calibre?
This past weekend I took a trip with my mother and sister-in-law Leila (pronounced leee-la, so don't get it wrong or there will be trouble). Leila lives on the way into Red Deer, so I picked her up on the way to my mom's.
Just past Sylvan Lake, a red truck started to pass us. Leila happened to be looking at me, as we were talking, and the grease ball in the truck thought (somehow) that she was checking him out. So he stopped passing us and started doing the same speed in the next lane. Instead of watching the road, he was contorting himself to look out his passenger window, grinning like the creepiest idiot I have ever seen. This man was sporting a walrus moustache, jowls like a bulldog and a stomach like... I don't know what. It was huge.
I slowed down, and so did he. I sped up and so did he. Might I also state that it was not even 7:30 in the morning yet? I was in no mood to deal with this old loser, so i stepped on the brakes and slowed down to fifty, and he finally passed us and went into our lane. I sped back up and unfortuantely caught up to him, and he slowed down to ninety, hoping we would pass him. I did not. The entire time we were behind him, we could see him checking us out in all his mirrors. It was then that we noticed his bumpersticker, which said "Easy Does It" (there was also a cartoon cat and dog, which makes me think he was driving his wife's truck). I don't know why, but this was the creepiest thing about the whole operation he was running.
When we got to Red Deer we had th misfortune of hitting a red light. Just as he got to the line, he changed lanes, so we would be beside him. I was ready for this manouver and pulled in behind him. When the light turned green, he moved back into the other lane, but to our great relief, he took the exit and we were free of him at last.
I ask again: Why, if you are a man well into your fifties, do you think that you have a chance with me and/or my sister-in-law? Why do you think that what you were doing is going to impress us, and really, what makes you think that it's acceptable behavior?
This past weekend I took a trip with my mother and sister-in-law Leila (pronounced leee-la, so don't get it wrong or there will be trouble). Leila lives on the way into Red Deer, so I picked her up on the way to my mom's.
Just past Sylvan Lake, a red truck started to pass us. Leila happened to be looking at me, as we were talking, and the grease ball in the truck thought (somehow) that she was checking him out. So he stopped passing us and started doing the same speed in the next lane. Instead of watching the road, he was contorting himself to look out his passenger window, grinning like the creepiest idiot I have ever seen. This man was sporting a walrus moustache, jowls like a bulldog and a stomach like... I don't know what. It was huge.
I slowed down, and so did he. I sped up and so did he. Might I also state that it was not even 7:30 in the morning yet? I was in no mood to deal with this old loser, so i stepped on the brakes and slowed down to fifty, and he finally passed us and went into our lane. I sped back up and unfortuantely caught up to him, and he slowed down to ninety, hoping we would pass him. I did not. The entire time we were behind him, we could see him checking us out in all his mirrors. It was then that we noticed his bumpersticker, which said "Easy Does It" (there was also a cartoon cat and dog, which makes me think he was driving his wife's truck). I don't know why, but this was the creepiest thing about the whole operation he was running.
When we got to Red Deer we had th misfortune of hitting a red light. Just as he got to the line, he changed lanes, so we would be beside him. I was ready for this manouver and pulled in behind him. When the light turned green, he moved back into the other lane, but to our great relief, he took the exit and we were free of him at last.
I ask again: Why, if you are a man well into your fifties, do you think that you have a chance with me and/or my sister-in-law? Why do you think that what you were doing is going to impress us, and really, what makes you think that it's acceptable behavior?
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
Spitters Are Quitters
There is a sign in the Caroline Arena (excuse me, the Kurt Browning Arena) right when you walk in, that says, in big red letters:
Really? You need a sign for that? What kind of place do I live in that you need to be reminded that spitting on the floor is not allowed? When I first saw it, I thought it was hilarious. But the more I think about it, the less funny it becomes.
For those who have never visited the fair Village of Caroline, let me paint you a picture. Chaps are not an uncommon sight, nor is a horse in the parking lot of the grocery store. There's even a hitching post. Moustaches, cowboy hats, and livestock trailers are essential Caroline gear. The main industries in the area are Outfitting (guiding hunters) and Horse Ranching. Every truck you see has a herding dog in the passenger seat. And you are lucky to see a woman with all her teeth (if you do, it's probably me). I wouldn't go so far as to use the word hillbilly, but I may be inclined to say rednecks at their finest.
I'm not disparaging Caroline, I love it here. And there are many outstanding figures who hail from this lovely little town. All I'm saying, is that if you need a sign reminding people to not spit on the floor, maybe it's time to switch from mountain-man special to something a little more refined. And to remember that just because you're an adult, doesn't mean you don't have to use manners.
"NO SPITTING ON THE FLOOR"
Really? You need a sign for that? What kind of place do I live in that you need to be reminded that spitting on the floor is not allowed? When I first saw it, I thought it was hilarious. But the more I think about it, the less funny it becomes.
For those who have never visited the fair Village of Caroline, let me paint you a picture. Chaps are not an uncommon sight, nor is a horse in the parking lot of the grocery store. There's even a hitching post. Moustaches, cowboy hats, and livestock trailers are essential Caroline gear. The main industries in the area are Outfitting (guiding hunters) and Horse Ranching. Every truck you see has a herding dog in the passenger seat. And you are lucky to see a woman with all her teeth (if you do, it's probably me). I wouldn't go so far as to use the word hillbilly, but I may be inclined to say rednecks at their finest.
I'm not disparaging Caroline, I love it here. And there are many outstanding figures who hail from this lovely little town. All I'm saying, is that if you need a sign reminding people to not spit on the floor, maybe it's time to switch from mountain-man special to something a little more refined. And to remember that just because you're an adult, doesn't mean you don't have to use manners.
Monday, March 3, 2008
I Don't (And Apparently Never Will)
In the past week, I have learned two things:
1) I was informed that I will never be getting married
2) I don't care
That's right. I was told the other night that if I want to get married, I had better start looking for someone else to marry me. An interesting piece of information to say the least, one that I might have liked to have known five years ago. Even more interesting is the fact that I don't care.
Two months ago I would have been bawling my eyes out, decrying the unfairness of life. In fact I did just that after I didn't get an engagement ring for Christmas (although I did get the ring I had picked out to be my engagement ring, minus the proposal). However, fate has a funny little way of making you think you want one thing when really, you want something completely different.
I think the only thing that I will really mourn is the fact that I would have been the most beautiful bride in the combined histories of the Park and Brown families.
1) I was informed that I will never be getting married
2) I don't care
That's right. I was told the other night that if I want to get married, I had better start looking for someone else to marry me. An interesting piece of information to say the least, one that I might have liked to have known five years ago. Even more interesting is the fact that I don't care.
Two months ago I would have been bawling my eyes out, decrying the unfairness of life. In fact I did just that after I didn't get an engagement ring for Christmas (although I did get the ring I had picked out to be my engagement ring, minus the proposal). However, fate has a funny little way of making you think you want one thing when really, you want something completely different.
I think the only thing that I will really mourn is the fact that I would have been the most beautiful bride in the combined histories of the Park and Brown families.
Saturday, March 1, 2008
Service With a Smile
Here's how I know my new bra is a keeper:
Today I was in an electronics store, and I asked the first nerd I saw for help. He told my tits that he didn't know anything about the item I was interested in and took me to the guy that did. The guy that knew answered my questions while flicking his eyes ever downward, and for longer periods of time until he gave up and told my tits everything I needed to know. Then the two of them stood there and stared at me (my chest) until I blushed and said thank you very much. That's right, two nerds at BestBuy made me blush and run away.
I am definitely wearing this bra again.
Today I was in an electronics store, and I asked the first nerd I saw for help. He told my tits that he didn't know anything about the item I was interested in and took me to the guy that did. The guy that knew answered my questions while flicking his eyes ever downward, and for longer periods of time until he gave up and told my tits everything I needed to know. Then the two of them stood there and stared at me (my chest) until I blushed and said thank you very much. That's right, two nerds at BestBuy made me blush and run away.
I am definitely wearing this bra again.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
