Yes, This Really Happened

Inappropriate conversation:

Doctor: "Your cervix is hiding from me."

Me: "Ummm... I'm not sure it is, I think it's kind of a dead end street in there..."

Doctor: "Sometimes these things are tricky."

Me: "Can we not talk right now?"

I was also wondering what he was referring to as "these things". Was it the speculum (which appeared to be malfunctioning)? Was it the actual procedure (which I would not call tricky, I'd maybe use horrifying or in the least frightfully uncomfortable)? Or was it the part of my anatomy that he was attempting to fit his entire hand into? My guess is the last one. It can be tricky to some men...

To add to the discomfort of the visit, there was the breast exam, which was completed with the "Doctor" staring deeply into my eyes.

Doctor: "Your breasts are very easy to examine. They're soft, not lumpy (!!!!!) like some are."

Me (turning bright red): "Ahh... thank you?"

Doctor: "Are you paying attention to what I'm doing?"

Me: "Excuse me?"

Doctor: "So you can do this at home."

Me: "Right. Of course. I think I've got it."

Doctor: "You have very nice breast tissue."

Me: "Can we not talk?"