Hall of Shame

I was recently asked what the worst thing I'd ever done was. That is what I'd call a really good question. What is the worst thing I've ever done? I had to stop and think about it, because like my most embarrassing things, there's a lot of material.

Things like convincing my youngest brother he was adopted and that's why he's blond and blue eyed while the rest of us have green eyes and brown hair (but never telling him that he looks exactly like our Scottish gran-dad - Sorry Thomas), or being so horrible to my middle brother that he ran away from home and lived with his friend for a year (Sorry Michael), or not going to see my oldest brother's baby in the hospital because I was too stoned (Sorry Rory).

And then there's the open tuna can hidden in a girl's locker, the mean things I did to my cousin Sarah, calling my Grade 8 science teacher a stupid fucking retard (actually screaming it at him through a closed door during class), making boys think I liked them and then publicly humiliating them, stealing the virginity of many boys and laughing at them when they cried after, being an all-round out of control teenager and being responsible for nearly all of my mother's grey hair, sneaking my friends into my Granny's basement during lunch in order for them to get drunk off my dead gran-dad's wine, getting suspended every year from grade seven to grade twelve, treating my entire step-family, especially my step-sister (Sorry Krista) like garbage, dumping the contents of a public trash can into the car of a girl who I didn't care for (and then having to run barefoot from the police through backyards in Three Hills because I gave my shoes to a girl who had snuck out of the PBI) and then after I was caught and forced to clean it out by the police, throwing out all of her cassettes as well as the garbage, totally power-tripping on kids who were a lower rank than me when I was an air cadet (yes I'm admitting to being in cadets, and it made me a better person so I don't want any flack for it), swearing at old people when I worked at Superstore, swearing at old people when I worked at the Stanford Inn... The list obviously goes on and on.

There is a whole litany of things from when I worked at the Buffalo, because I started working there in order to NOT have to be nice to people any more. I threw a drink on an old lady because she said I couldn't sing (which was only the truth), I threw a glass at someone and it shattered against the wall, I threw a handicapped guy out the door because I thought he was drunk (but he was only retarded - that one I feel really, really bad for), being mean to a sixteen year old girl who was hooking herself out for meth (and is more than likely dead now), and then of course, the giant mural of Miss Piggy fucking a buffalo in the ass I left on the white board as an ode to the bitch of a new manager the night I quit. Actually, I not going to call that one of my worst acts, I'm going to call it hilarious because the doddering old lady that worked days in the Buff didn't even see it and it was up for a long time.

None of these quite compare to what I would deem my worst act ever. That award goes to the time I made out with the Groom at a wedding I attended when I was seventeen. I'm going to say that it was a far worse thing for the Groom to do, but I definitely knew better and as I was there not only as a guest of the bride, but also as a representative of my air cadet squadron (which shows I was one of her favorites), it was by far the most inappropriate thing I've ever done.